02 July, 2007

Love is a Verb


Dear...

A well known music group once sang, “Love is a verb.” The more my life goes on, the more I realize how true that is. I once thought that I would find one person who would sweep me off my feet, and carry me off into the sunset. But as time goes on and more pieces of my heart shatter because of broken relationships, I have realized that love takes a lot of work. The feeling of “falling in love” will eventually end, and after that, one must do the work to maintain the momentum.

It’s a lot like driving. The car begins to roll down the hill, so I let up on the gas a little. I don’t have to do much to keep it going; gravity will do that. Pretty soon, I am sitting next to the love of my life and we’re laughing with the wind blowing through our hair. But at the bottom of the hill, the road begins to curve back up again. We are leaving the valley, going back up into the mountains. I have to add fuel to the engine to get the car to move. I must add the love to the relationship on my own, there is no more falling in love. I must make the choice to love you and do the work to show you that love.

I know that there are times you have felt I hold back, when I can’t share with you everything because the memories from my past are so bittersweet. I know that you don’t understand sometimes when I come to you in tears over nothing, but I know that you choose to love me when you let me put my head on your shoulder and cry anyway. I know, and I know you know, that I have “fallen in love” with so many people over the years.

But I want you to know that this relationship is different. I am not falling in love with you. I am choosing to love you, voluntarily, and of my own free will. I have come to realize how important you are in my life, how healing your hands can be sometimes, how lonely I feel when I know how far away you are, and even how dark the room is at night when I cannot feel you there with me. The time we do spend together becomes more exciting when we have been apart, and even more exciting knowing that I have chosen this.

I realize that this will not solve all our problems and differences, nor will it erase my past and future fears. But knowing that we can make an active choice in our relationship will give me (and, I hope, you) the confidence to walk forward into our futures. Perhaps we can do it hand-in-hand, together.

Choosing to love you,
M

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